Sycamore Counseling Associates

Effects on The family

How are family members affected by a loved one's mental disorder or substance use disorder?

Individuals with mental disorders or substance use disorders do not suffer alone.  Those closest to them also suffer as the unity and stability of the family are increasingly diminished by the ongoing stress of living with these conditions.  At the first signs of the problem, the family's normal functioning may be only intermittently disturbed by an occasional disruption.  However, as the illness progresses, the family's daily life may be frequently disrupted by the crises and conflicts which arise from the worsening condition.

Living with either condition is challenging, but life with a substance abuser can be especially trying, as the family members often do not recognize that the individual is suffering from a legitimate illness.  It is common for the family members to believe that, if the substance abuser truly loved them, they would stop using the substance and resume their role as a responsible spouse and parent.  However, it is usually not feasible for the substance abuser to stop using the substance without help, and they typically progress toward more advanced stages of addiction.

As the substance abuser continues to progress in their disease, they tend to relinquish more and more of their financial and parental responsibilities, often failing to recognize that their spouse is assuming responsibility for the duties which they have abandoned.  As the division of responsibility becomes increasingly imbalanced and the spouse becomes more and more strained by the burden, the interactions between the couple become increasingly negative.  Since the substance abuser's normal response to tension or conflict is to turn to the substance, an ongoing cycle is created which involves stress-induced negative interactions, followed by substance use, followed by additional stress-induced negative interactions.  Over time, the couple becomes increasingly estranged or hostile toward one another, and one or both partners may begin to consider separation or divorce as a solution.

Like the non-addicted parent, the children of substance abusers suffer a myriad of negative emotions.  They are often disappointed by broken promises, embarrassed by the parent's behavior while intoxicated, and worried that the substance abuser will be injured or killed while under the influence.  They tend to believe that their feelings and life experiences are unimportant to the substance abuser, and they are often concerned about the physical and emotional well-being of their siblings and non-addicted parent.  Although they often promise themselves that they will not use mood-altering substances when they are old enough to do so, they have a notably increased risk for addiction as compared to children who do not have a close relative with addiction.

In contrast to the family of a substance abuser, a family affected by mental illness might be better able to recognize the problem as a legitimate medical condition.  However, they, too, often suffer from the unpredictability and volatility of the family's home life.  Additionally, like the spouse of a substance abuser, the spouse of an individual with a mental disorder might assume the bulk of the financial and parental responsibility, and the stress of this burden might result in ongoing negative interactions between the partners.  Similarly, like the children of a substance abuser, the children of a person with mental illness often believe that their feelings and experiences are unimportant to the affected parent, and they, too, are sometimes at greater risk for the same disorder suffered by their parent.

Family members living outside of the affected individual's household are often troubled by the situation, as well.  Parents and siblings of the affected individual often feel tremendous love for their adult child or sibling, and tend to be very sympathetic toward the individual they have known since infancy or childhood.  They may have a tendency to rationalize their family member's struggle, or to intervene in ways which are unwanted by the affected individual's spouse.  These differing viewpoints between the affected individual's family-of-origin and the family they have created for themselves as an adult often result in tension and conflict between the in-laws, complicating an already difficult situation even further.

Regardless of the type of disorder or the relationship to the affected individual, family members of those suffering from mental illness or addiction often need help themselves.  Such help is available in the form of counseling, self-help groups, and a vast amount of literature on self-care and recovery.  Even if the affected individual is unwilling to seek help for themselves, family members can receive the help they need to begin making positive choices for themselves and enjoying their lives again.

When should family members seek help for themselves when a loved one is suffering from a mental disorder or substance use disorder?

Individuals suffering from mental illness or addiction are often viewed as needing care and protection, so it is easy for family members to suspend caring for their own needs as they tend to their loved one's needs, instead.  However, as illustrated by flight attendants' instructions to place one's own oxygen mask on one's own face before trying to help others, it is essential for family members to tend to their own physical and emotional needs while in the midst of their family's difficulties.

Even when the affected individual has relinquished many of their responsibilities and the spouse has consequently assumed more than their share of the duties, it is important for the spouse to strive for a balance of work and rest each day.  It may sometimes be necessary to let certain tasks go uncompleted, rather than giving up sufficient sleep or a phone call with a supportive friend.  While it may be uncomfortable to reduce one's standards regarding household order or the timely payment of bills, it is important to prioritize tasks and to accept one's limitations on any given day.

Additionally, despite the crises and chaos which often arise when a loved one is suffering from mental illness or addiction, it is important for family members to maintain their ability to think clearly and rationally, and to avoid being caught up in the chaos.  By reminding themselves of their own personal boundaries and allowing their loved one to accept responsibility for their own behavior, the family members can provide their loved one with the opportunity to recognize their need for help.

When a family member recognizes that they are struggling to meet their own needs, to honor their limitations, or to maintain their personal boundaries, it is important for them to seek help before their own health and well-being are further jeopardized.  By speaking with a counselor, participating in self-help groups, or reading recovery literature, they can begin to enjoy a more peaceful and balanced life, regardless of the difficulties in their family at the present time.

If you are experiencing emotional pain or struggling to meet excessive demands as the result of a family member's mental illness or addiction, you may be greatly benefited by seeking the help of a skilled professional.  At Sycamore Counseling Associates, we would perform a thorough mental health assessment which would enable us to render an accurate diagnosis and to present treatment options which we believe would be helpful to you.  We would then assist you in developing a personalized treatment plan, and help you begin working toward the goals of that plan.  Ultimately, we would assist you in developing new ways of thinking and behaving which could be life-changing for you and your entire family.

Our hope is that you would be willing to reach out for the help you need, and to begin enjoying the life which you and your family deserve to be living.